No Need for a Christmas Present
by Naomi-san
Summary: When Vegeta wakes up to a nasty surprise, Gohan, Goku, and Kaiobit go find him the perfect Christmas present to cheer him up. Very, very funny! Please R&R!


No Need For A Christmas Present!  
  
By Naomi-san  
  
Vegeta was in a rotten mood, as usual. But the thing was, he was madder than usual. It all started at 3:15 a.m. when the Capsule Corporation blew up. The deafening explosion woke Vegeta up with a start.  
  
"What in the name of Kami?!" he cried, and ran outside only to see a giant mushroom cloud where the Corporation used to stand.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Vegeta started screaming and cussing so loudly that he awoke Bulma. She went over to him, punched his face in, and told him to shut-up because she was getting her beauty sleep.  
  
"Fine, you evil hamster being!" he yelled. "I'll just take a ride to Antarctica on my futuristic motorbike thingy, and I'll live there for the rest of my life wearing bear skins and frying caribou with Galick Gun! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"  
  
She then kicked him in the groin (very hard, too, I may add) and went back inside to sleep. "I won't miss you," she called over her shoulder. "At least I won't be able to hear you fart in your sleep anymore."  
  
Vegeta's face got very red in embarrassment. "Yeah, whatever, you dumb broad!" he screamed at her. So Vegeta went around to the back of the house to get his motorbike, which was propped up against the side of the house. He was about to turn the key in the ignition when he hears ticking.  
  
"What's that noise?" he wondered out loud. The noise, which was coming from the engine, suddenly started to get louder, and increased in speed. His bike started to vibrate from it. When Vegeta realized what was about to happen, he squealed like a sissy girl and ran away from his bike, running for cover.  
  
He threw himself to the ground with his hands on his head and his butt sticking way up in the air.  
  
KAAAAAAAAAABOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM!!! The bike exploded in a giant fireball! That was when Vegeta realized his bike had had a bomb in it. Probably some freak punk teenage dropout snuck it in there. It had then dawned to him, in a much delayed way, that his bike was a smoldering, fiery heap of useless rubble.  
  
Vegeta roared in fury! "SO THAT'S HOW IT IS, HUH! THAT'S HOW IT IS! I WOKE UP AT THREE A.M. TO WITNESS THE DESTRUCTION OF THE WORLD FAMOUS CAPSULE CORPORATION, AND THEN MY FRICKIN BIKE BLOWS UP! AAARRRGGGHHH! GO AWAY I HATE YOU! I WANT MY MOMMY!"  
  
Vegeta put his face in his hands and starts to sob uncontrollably. "Erm.......are you okay, Veggie?" a voice asked. Vegeta whipped around to see Naomi's sweetheart: Kaiobit! Yay! "Don't call me Veggie, you evil leprechaun freak! What do you want?" Vegeta screamed.  
  
"What's wrong? Are you okay?" Kaiobit asked with a concerned look on his face. "NO!" Vegeta snapped. "What kind of idiotic question is that?"  
  
"Um.......why are you so mad?" Kaiobit tried again. Vegeta muttered something angrily to himself. All Kaiobit caught with his sharp ears was 'crazy potato chinchillas'.  
  
After that, Vegeta shook a fist in the Kaioshin's face. "Are you frickin blind?" he shouted. "The Capsule Corporation just blew up and my motorbike exploded! Ooooh, man, I am so pissed off!"  
  
Kaiobit blinked. "Oh, sorry to hear about that, Vegeta. By the way, you know what day it is, right?"  
  
Vegeta pulled at his hair in frustration. "No, I do not, but do you think I care about that?" he shouted. "I gotta do more important things, like repairing my bike. So good day!"  
  
And he stomped off cursing under his breath, dragging his bike behind him to the garage.  
  
"Geez, he's a real grouch," Kaiobit said to himself. "And I can't believe he forgot it's Christmas Eve." He watched Vegeta disappear to the other side of his house. "I should tell Goku about this," Kaiobit decided.  
  
And with that final thought in mind, the god flew off.  
  
Later at noon, Goku answered the knock at the Sons' door. "Hey, wazzup 'Bit!" Goku said when he saw who it was. Kaiobit blushed as he gave Goku a hi-five.  
  
"Nothing much, Goku," he said. "Only..."  
  
"Only what?" Goku asked. Kaiobit sighed. "Vegeta's very mad because the Capsule Corporation and his bike both blew up at practically the same time last night. What's worse, he even forgot that it's Christmas Eve."  
  
"Whew!" Goku said. "He must be very pissed off."  
  
Kaiobit nodded. "Yes, he was. I was thinking that we could buy him a present to cheer him up." Goku laughed and slapped Kaiobit's back affectionately.  
  
"Great idea, Kaiobit!" he said. "We should start right away!"  
  
"Who are you talking to, dear?" Chichi asked as she walked into the room. "Oh, hello Kaiobit! How are you?" she asked cheerfully when she saw who it was.  
  
"I'm fine........." Kaiobit started.  
  
"He's doing great, Chichi," Goku interrupted. "Where's Gohan?"  
  
Chichi sighed. "He's upstairs playing those wretched video games with Goten and Trunks. By the way, Goku, Bee took a crap on out brand new, white rug, and I would appreciate it if you would..."  
  
"Gee, thanks for the offer, Chichi, but I really gotta go! Bye!" Goku said hastily. "YO GOHAN!" he called upstairs. "LET'S GO!"  
  
"Coming, dad," came the faint reply. In a flash, Gohan appeared and Goku grabbed his son and Kaiobit by their collars and dragged them out the door. "See ya, Chichi!" he called behind him.  
  
And before Chichi could grab him, Kaiobit had teleported and they were gone.  
  
They arrived in the middle of Satan City (a terrible name for a city, I know. If I knew the English name version of the city then I would put that in, but I don't. Sorry! If you are very religious, just use your imagination and put in a different name. So don't kill me! ^^). Many people swarmed around to buy some late presents for their loved ones.  
  
"So tell me, dad, what are we doing here?" asked Gohan. "We are going to buy Vegeta a present," Kaiobit answered for him. "That's nice, but why did you bring me?" Gohan asked. Goku smiled. "Well, this could be a little father son and friend thing. Besides, we might need your help."  
  
"Thanks, but what would Veggie want?" Gohan asked. Kaiobit shrugged. "We'll just have to see what we can find." Goku clapped his hands together. "Alright, let's start the treasure hunt!" he said, looking around.  
  
He then noticed a store with the name 'Bob's Useless Bargains and Other Useless Stuff: a Useless Collection of Useless Stuff for 100 Generations'.  
  
"Let's start here," Goku said, and Kaiobit nodded in agreement, but Gohan was too busy observing tomato weasels preying upon a couple humans in their natural environment. But after all that, they entered the building! Dun, dun, dun!  
  
"Whoa, look at all this stuff!" Gohan cried as they came in. Everywhere in the store there were flea-infested fake animal furs, lice infested wigs, moth-bitten clothes, clocks with no hands, chairs and tables with no legs, furniture with termites, and even loner cars with just about two hundred parts either broken or missing.  
  
"What a truckload of crap!" he continued. "It's just what Vegeta likes!"  
  
Goku and Kaiobit turned to look at him with the anime-style annoyed eyes. "What?" Gohan asked."  
  
"Um, Gohan, I don't think this store has what Veggie likes," Kaiobit answered him. "Huh?" Gohan said. Goku sighed. "Let's go somewhere else," he said.  
  
"OH NO YOU DON'T! YOU AIN'T GOIN NOWHERES!" the store owner yelled, running up to Goku and shaking a burly fist in the Saiyan's face. "NO ONE LEAVES MY STORE ALIVE WITHOUT BUYING SUMTHIN! PREPARE TO DIE!"  
  
KAAAAABOOOOOMMMMM!!! The store owner exploded and his carcass sizzled. "Whoa!" Gohan cried. "Nice one, 'Bit!"  
  
Goku gaped at Kaiobit. "You did that, Kaiobit? You, a gentle, pure- hearted god that protects the universe, did that?"  
  
Kaiobit looked down in shame. "I-I didn't mean too..." Tears welled up in his eyes. "Hey you know what, it doesn't matter because he deserved it. Let's go," Goku said quickly and dragged them out the door.  
  
Later...  
  
"Hey, Goku! Let's get him this!" Kaiobit said, waving a Barbie doll in Goku's face. Goku laughed and shook his head. "No, I don't think he wants a doll, or any toy for that matter."  
  
"Do you think he would want a tractor?" Gohan asked, pointing to a big green one on display. Kaiobit and Goku stared at him. 'He's not being very helpful, is he?' Kaiobit said to Goku through his mind. 'No, he isn't,' Goku replied. "Um, Gohan, I don't think he really needs a...erm, tractor."  
  
"Oh," Gohan said. The three were in a store called 'Joe's Useful Bargains and Other Useful Stuff: a Useful Collection of Useful Stuff for 100 Generations', which stood next to the useless store that they had visited earlier. Legend had it that the two stores were rival stores, but it didn't have to be a proven fact that Joe's store was better and more popular than Bob's.  
  
"Come on you guys! Think! What would he want?" Goku cried. They thought for a while, excluding Gohan cause he got no brain! ^^  
  
Finally, Kaiobit snapped his fingers. "I got it!" he said. "We could get him a new motorbike, because there is no way that he can repair his old one!"  
  
Goku laughed again and slapped Kaiobit's back so hard that the god was slammed into the opposite wall. "It seems that good ole 'Bit has all the good ideas today!" Goku laughed.  
  
Kaiobit staggered back to them, wincing as he massaged his back with his hand. "Yeah," he groaned. "Don't mention it."  
  
"I saw some bikes down that-a-way!" Gohan said, pointing to some random aisle. They followed him down there and reached an aisle with hundreds, no, thousands of motorbikes. Goku whistled. "We're going to be here for a while," Kaiobit agreed.  
  
"Alright, guys, let's split up," Goku said. "If any of you see a bike that is spiffy-looking and cheap, then holler."  
  
So they split up and went down different sections of the aisle. They studied each bike carefully, checking the price and gears and designs and crap like that.  
  
A long time passes, when suddenly Kaiobit and Goku hear Gohan scream somewhere over in the next never-ending aisle, "GEEZ YOU GUYS SOMEONE BUSTED THIS BIKE UP SOOOOO BAD AND IT'S FIVE CENTS! FIVE FRICKIN CENTS! THAT'S TOTALLY EXPENSIVE MAN, WHAT A RIP-OFF!!!"  
  
'He's really not being helpful,' Kaiobit said to Goku through telepathy. 'No, he really isn't,' Goku replied. About half an hour passes when Goku finds the perfect motorbike with a red paint-job and kind of looks like that one bike from the movie 'Akira'.  
  
"Hey, guys!" Goku called. "I found the perfect motorbike with a red paint-job and kind of looks like that one bike from the movie 'Akira'!"  
  
Kaiobit and Gohan came running over to look at it. "Whoa, that's, like, sweet, dawg!" Gohan said. "Since when did you learn to speak like a thug gangster?" Goku asked him. Gohan paused for a minute, then said, "Since the moose came to haunt me."  
  
Goku nodded solemnly, thinking only one word: THERAPY! Kaiobit broke the demented silence by asking, "What's the price?"  
  
"The price is (A/N: Drum roll, please!)..." Goku checked the tag. "One million."  
  
"One million dollars!" Gohan cried in a Dr. Evil voice, standing on his head and making hippo mating calls. O.o  
  
"Shut-up," Kaiobit growled. Goku gasped. "Kaiobit, was that a comeback?! Atta boy, 'Bit! Stick up for yourself!"  
  
"Yugstyx," Kaiobit replied. "He speaks my language!" Gohan cried happily, squeezing a teddy bear with no head.  
  
"Enough of this foolishness!" Goku cried. "We must think of a strategy to buy this bike!" They think for three hours, not including Gohan, cause he got no brain! ^^  
  
"Hey, I know!" Gohan said. "We need one million dollars!" They glared at him. "You are an idiot," they said. "YAY!" Gohan cried happily, apparently not realizing that his own father insulted him, and Goku apparently did not care what he called his son.  
  
Goku ignored him, and his expression turned thoughtful. "Hey, maybe I can barter with the clerk using this road-killed squirrel I found lying in the road last Thanksgiving!" Goku said, pulling the flattened rodent out of his shirt.  
  
(A/N: For all you brainless people who do not know what "barter" means, I shall give you an exact Webster's dictionary definition! "barter: to trade by exchange of commodities rather than by the use of money." In other words, two people exchange items in a trade that they think is fair, so they don't use money. Get it? Got it? Good! =^_^= Kitty!)  
  
"You're gonna barter that disgusting dead thing?" Kaiobit asked in disgust, plugging his nose.  
  
"Sure, why not?" Goku asked stupidly. Kaiobit sweat drops and Gohan cries in happiness for no reason.  
  
"Well, let's go barter, boys!" Goku said, as if it was the most exciting thing in the universe to do. As they went up to the counter, Gohan said, "I thought you smelled like a dead road-killed squirrel."  
  
They went up to the check-out counter with the bike. "Um, sir, we have to ship it to you," said the nerdy-looking, acne-infested clerk. "What?!" Goku cried. "We can't wait for it to be shipped! It's Christmas Eve and we need to give this to someone by tomorrow!"  
  
"You could've come sooner," the clerk argued. "Never underestimate the power of the sock monkeys!" Gohan growled at him. The clerk blinked and backed away fearfully. "He forgot to take his medication," Goku explained. "Ah," the clerk said.  
  
"Anyway, look into my eyes," Goku said. "Uh, okay," the clerk replied, and did as he was instructed. "These are not the droids you're looking for," Goku said. "These are not the droids I am looking for," the clerk repeated.  
  
"You will accept the trade of a bike for a dead road-killed squirrel that smells like *bleep*," Goku said. "I will accept the trade of a bike for a dead road-killed squirrel that smells like *bleep*," the clerk repeated.  
  
"You are now out of my Jedi mind-trick trance thingy," Goku said. "YAY!" cried the clerk. Goku then slapped the squirrel down on the counter. "YAY!" the clerk cried again. He took the squirrel and ran out of the building, finally falling off the Edge of the Universe.  
  
"HURRAH!" the three rejoiced, happy that they finally had the bike. They left the store. YAY!  
  
Later at 8:30 p.m. Goku, Gohan, and Kaiobit are putting a pink bow on the handlebars of the bike. "He's gonna love it!" Kaiobit said. "Yuppie yeppers," Gohan replied. "Hey! That's my word!" I screamed from off the set. "Darn kafoozles!" he grumbled.  
  
"Um, yeah. Let's give the bike to him now," Goku said after that whacked- out dilemma. "I don't want him to suffer the loss of his bike for another day, even though he is so evil to me that his screen name is 'diekakarotdie'."  
  
"Good idea," Kaiobit replied, but Gohan was too busy gambling with lint balls to care.  
  
They teleported to Vegeta's house to find good ole Veggie cussing and trying to fix his bike. "YOU NO GOOD *BLEEP* PILE OF *BLEEP*! WHY WON'T YOU *BLEEP* FIX?!" he screamed.  
  
The three stepped up behind him. "Vegeta..." they started. "WHAT?!" Vegeta screamed and whirled around to face them. "What do you want, you fools?!"  
  
"We got you..." they began. Goku whipped out the bike which was magically hidden from view from behind his back. "A present!" they finished.  
  
Vegeta stood there, gaping. "Merry, erm, Christmas Eve, Vegeta!" they said in unison. "M-My dear Kami!" Vegeta stammered, wide-eyed and shocked. "It- It's beautiful! Arigato! Arigato Kakarot and Kakarot's brat and what's-his- face purple leprechaun elf-boy! Arigato!"  
  
(A/N: "Arigato" means "thank-you" in Japanese, smart ones.)  
  
"No problem," they said, excluding Gohan because he was too busy making out with a fruit basket to care.  
  
Vegeta got on his knees and started to stroke the bike lovingly. "I think I'll call her Betty!" he said. Kaiobit and Goku looked at each other weird.  
  
Vegeta stayed there hugging it for about ten seconds when Kaiobit said, "Say, what's that ticking noise?" Vegeta screamed and backed up quickly just as the bike exploded into billion-gazillion-bazillion pieces of rubble.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he screamed. He sucked on his thumb and cried. (A/N: Awwww! ^^)  
  
"Gee, that's too bad," Gohan said, apparently done making out with the fruit basket and now cares. "Yeah. At least we got it for free," Goku agreed. "I guess we'll just have to wait till his birthday," Kaiobit sighed.  
  
"OMAE O KOROSU!" Vegeta screamed. "Uh oh," they said. Vegeta chased them around the world (A/N: "Hey, it's like the song! *starts singing off-key* La, la, la, la, la! It goes around the world! La, la, la, la, la! And everybody's singing la, la, la, la, la!" Reader: "My ears! ARRRGGGHHH!" Me: "Um, sorry." ^^), throwing ki blasts at them, and screaming and crying for eternity until they finally died...besides Kaiobit cause he's my honey! ^^.  
  
And it's a very happy, if not dumb, ending. Yay, whee, whoop-de-doo.  
  
THE END! YAAAYYY!!!  
  
P.S. Merry early Christmas!!! =^_^= 


End file.
